Rant-Reviews--Everything is Terrible, Even the Good Stuff Part 2---DC Destruction

There are some DC books out there to examine and insult/praise. Oh, and I'm going to discuss a Vertigo book which isn't really DC per-se but their alternative more mature line. It's still the same company though so who gives a rotten apple?

Justice League #7
So we're doing that old comic, "The Authority," about heroes who are kind of bad guys but don't realize it? Nah, not really. We're doing a comic about a world that doesn't trust their heroes? Well, the people seem to love them even if some government suits complain. We're doing a comic about the, "Birth of a Villain," as the title claims? Yeah right, we don't get a hint of that till about the last couple of pages.

What is this then? Basically a comic about a dude named Steve Trevor and what his life is like interacting with the Justice League via Skype or something. Oh, and there is some action with a weird spore-monster. This is really just kind of disjointed and a bit odd though. Still, I'll take that over the pretty-but-pointless mess that was the first six issues of this series. It's like this went from a hot girl you couldn't stand listening to into a somewhat attractive person who is all over the place emotionally but interesting enough that you'll tough it out through her psychotic breaks in which she tries to cut you. Yeah, this comic is a dysfunctional relationship. Take it to Thanksgiving dinner and show it to mom and dad. They won't approve, they never do of the hussies you bring back over the holidays.
3 out of 5 stars.

Batman #7
This isn't amazing like issue #5 which was utterly trippy and much better than any mainstream super-hero comic has the right to be, and it isn't kind of cool like #6 with its surreal bits too. No, this is just one of those, "Everything you think you know about Batman's history is wrong!," comics...which is kind of funny because I thought due to the big DC continuity reboot we're not supposed to know anything about Batman's history for sure anyway. You can't really shock me by going "Boo!" when your company already did the equivalent of kidnapping me, tying me up, putting me a potato bag, and dumping me in a river gasping for air.

 That metaphor is how trying to figure out DC's new continuity feels. It's murky, scratchy, and cold. That's why you can't catch me off guard with all this stuff about a secret group themed off of owls running Gotham--I didn't even know we were supposed to think of it as a place run by Batman anymore. Oh, and Batman punches one of his former sidekicks/adopted sons in the mouth to reveal a special tooth implanted there long ago by the villains. Couldn't he have just told the guy about it and taken it out with some Novocaine instead of walloping the dude? Batman, the adoptive father who punches you to prove a point.
2.5 out of 5 stars.

Grifter #7
In this comic a hero named Midnighter acts like a total idiot when he could try just talking to Grifter or taking him back to the Stormwatch base instead of trying to kill him, Grifter touches a weird alien artifact and learns stuff, and the two fight in a poorly illustrated comic. This is what I read, and then I cried many, many bitter tears over the fact that I actually bought this comic and thought at the start it seemed remotely interesting. Will it improve somehow? Well, let's see who the next writer for it is and....Rob Liefeld? Oh FUCK, I've got to drop this from my pull-list ASAP!
1 out of 5 stars.

Spaceman #5
The thing about Brian Azzarello and Eduardo Risso is that they have worked closely together for so long they could be one person, and this one person makes damn good comics. When you hear about a comic focused on a genetically-altered "man" that riffs on how people use funny internet slang, reality television, global warming, and throws in some space-stuff you hear about something which sounds like an utter mess. This duo/essentially-one-person however can have so damn much skill this comic comes out hotter than a biscuit you left in the oven and burnt so badly your spouse yells at you and threatens to leave forever, but then again doesn't he/she always pull that shit when you forget their birthday? I'm getting distracted though, this comic is great stuff, should be read by all, and treasured for being unique in this landscape where you're considered clever for writing something where Cyclops and Captain America punch each other.
4.5 out of 5 stars

DCU Online Legends #26
The last issue of a series that became terrible and utterly incomprehensible around the half-way point. I have no idea why I kept reading this even though it made zero sense with its jumping around in time. Maybe it is kind of the same way people like staring at really brutal car crashes where entrails and blood are all over the place--its just so hideous and gruesome you can't look away. Whatever the case, we get a comic where Lex Luthor learns that maybe Superman isn't so bad before he resets the Universe and the entire comic becomes even more of a pointless endeavor than it was. This happy-go-lucky and nice Luthor is annoying as hell, the comic is ugly as sin (as it has been over the whole series) and if you ever want to start a war between two nations have one give the other a collection of all 26 issues of this and force them to read it. Bombs will be flying before the day is through.
.5 out of 5 stars.

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #5
Oh Nick Spencer, you can write as many shitty Marvel comics as you want, because somehow with that exclusivity contract for them you still got to write this series, and it is so good I just can't care that you seem to either write amazing stuff or absolute trash. Your first volume of this series is one of my favorite recent comic collections and this new batch from the re-launched DC Universe that thankfully didn't touch your run is so good too. I just lie in bed at night and rub this comic all over my body, which gets my girlfriend weirded-out, but I don't care because she doesn't understand the love I have for this series. Oh, and this issue, it brings some dangling plot threads home and introduces those trademark last-minutes twists I've so grown to love.

 I know you cry when people mock your other comics on the internet, Nick, but its okay, I still like you. At least as long as you are writing this series, then you either need to up your game on something else or you'll be known as, "That guy who did good stuff awhile ago but now sucks," just like so many other creators (Jeph Loeb, Mark Millar, that guy who draws a huge-breasted witch named Tarot...um, Jim Balent, that's it!).
4.5 out of 5 stars.

Captain Atom #7
I'm just still amazed that J.T. Krul can write a comic that is actually good, and which I'll miss when its cancelled because this thing sells worse than Barbra Walters recent sex tape. Yes, Barbra Walters has a sex tape. I bought the only copy by accident and it's nightmarish.
3.5 out of 5 stars.

Someday I'll have nothing snarky to say about the comics I've read. That is the day I am murdered by Mark Millar and he makes it look like J.T. Krul did it because Millar has enough money to buy a small country thanks to all those movie options of his shitty comics.

Rant Reviews--Marvel's Various Mutants, Mystery Men, Dark Horses, and Superman Hallucinates

I've got two books with mutants in the Marvel Universe--one is Wolverine and the other is New Mutants even though everyone in it has been around for at least 20 years I think. Then Mystery Men switches its focus to some newer characters, Dark Horse keeps presenting stories, and DC Universe Online Legends has Superman utterly freak out. In a slightly unrelated story I had Bananas Foster French Toast for brunch today and would give it 4 out of 5 stars. That means I found it more satisfying than 3 out of the 5 comics. That's either sad or a testament to the quality of French Toast made with challah bread and bananas.

Rant-Reviews--2 Marvel Books About Mutants, 2 DC Books With Annoying Subway-Comic Ads, and Screamland

Wolverine: The Best There Is #7 is actually good, Ultimate X #5 finishes setting up the plot only to end with this issue, DC Universe Online Legends #11 had art that didn't make my eyes bleed, Batman and Robin #25 wrapped up things with the Red Hood decently enough, and Screamland #2 seemed to lack the magic of the original mini-series.

Rant Reviews--Wolverine, DC Universe Looks Hideous, X-Factor Reads Well, and Batman Fights An Ex-Robin

Do you ever wonder how the hell people come up with this stuff? I mean, for this edition of Rant-Reviews we have Wolverine #10 with a guy who launches rocks from his feet, DC Universe Online Legends #10 has art that is just monstrous to accompany Superman's powers going wacky from being attacked by a tiny robotic bug. Then, in X-Factor #221 keeps going with the weird supernatural stuff but has cool action to counter-balance it and Batman and Robin #24 has Jason Todd fighting creatures with animal heads and human bodies along with the titular heroes. See what I mean? Comics are weird.

Rant-Reviews--Nothing Too Rancid AKA Why Call It SHIELD #1 If It 's Continuing The Last Arc?

We've got Venom #3, Hulk #34, DC Universe Legends Online #9, and S.H.I.E.L.D. #1 even though it isn't really a first issue at all.

My Comic Book Haul, June 1st, 2011

It's that time again, where I look over my comic haul for the week because I randomly thought this was a good week to comment on the books I picked up ahead of time before I review them. Let's get into it...

Rant Reviews--Two Books With Wolverine, A Cybernetic Batman, and Green Arrow Is Just Lame.

We've got Uncanny X-Force #9 with another stand-alone issue that is still good but actually kind of disappointing considering how great this series has been, Wolverine: The Best There Is #6 actually finishes somewhat decently, DC Universe Online Legends #7 drags a bit, and Green Arrow #11 kind of sucks. Yeah, nothing too impressive.

My Haul From Wednesday May 4th.

I haven't done a haul examination in awhile, where I look over the comics I picked up this week, and I got some good ones this time so why don't we do a run-down? I get to give a brief overview of what I've picked up and may be reviewing soon, and you get to laugh at my bad taste in comics if you don't agree with my selections.

Mini-Run Review: DC Universe Online Legends #3-6

DC Universe Online Legends #3-6
This has been an interesting series so far. Tying into the video game for the PS3 and PC this bi-weekly series has been generally fun so far. Jumping between the present and future (or as would make more sense, past and present, but whatever) it has been about Lex Luthor and a rag-tag group of survivors trying to fight against the alien Brainiac who has taken over the world, while in the past/present...well, that part is the kind of dull segment.

March 2nd 2011 Comic Haul.

Everything from my comic haul this week. It was bigger than I realized it would be.

Good Comic, Terribly Long Title--DC Universe Online Legends #2

DC Universe Online Legends #2
In an Elseworlds-style tale, Superman is dead and Lex Luthor is humanity's best hope against an alien invasion. Okay, that plot piques my interest, but does the second issue of the series keep the momentum going?

Rant-Reviews--Dead Supermen, Hulk Smashes, yet more Wolverine.

Just three new reviews for today, DC Universe's first issue gets a gander, Hulk stays solid, and Wolverine isn't really the best there is when it comes to the comic I review...