Rant-Reviews--Everything is Terrible, Even the Good Stuff Part 2---DC Destruction

There are some DC books out there to examine and insult/praise. Oh, and I'm going to discuss a Vertigo book which isn't really DC per-se but their alternative more mature line. It's still the same company though so who gives a rotten apple?

Justice League #7
So we're doing that old comic, "The Authority," about heroes who are kind of bad guys but don't realize it? Nah, not really. We're doing a comic about a world that doesn't trust their heroes? Well, the people seem to love them even if some government suits complain. We're doing a comic about the, "Birth of a Villain," as the title claims? Yeah right, we don't get a hint of that till about the last couple of pages.

What is this then? Basically a comic about a dude named Steve Trevor and what his life is like interacting with the Justice League via Skype or something. Oh, and there is some action with a weird spore-monster. This is really just kind of disjointed and a bit odd though. Still, I'll take that over the pretty-but-pointless mess that was the first six issues of this series. It's like this went from a hot girl you couldn't stand listening to into a somewhat attractive person who is all over the place emotionally but interesting enough that you'll tough it out through her psychotic breaks in which she tries to cut you. Yeah, this comic is a dysfunctional relationship. Take it to Thanksgiving dinner and show it to mom and dad. They won't approve, they never do of the hussies you bring back over the holidays.
3 out of 5 stars.

Batman #7
This isn't amazing like issue #5 which was utterly trippy and much better than any mainstream super-hero comic has the right to be, and it isn't kind of cool like #6 with its surreal bits too. No, this is just one of those, "Everything you think you know about Batman's history is wrong!," comics...which is kind of funny because I thought due to the big DC continuity reboot we're not supposed to know anything about Batman's history for sure anyway. You can't really shock me by going "Boo!" when your company already did the equivalent of kidnapping me, tying me up, putting me a potato bag, and dumping me in a river gasping for air.

 That metaphor is how trying to figure out DC's new continuity feels. It's murky, scratchy, and cold. That's why you can't catch me off guard with all this stuff about a secret group themed off of owls running Gotham--I didn't even know we were supposed to think of it as a place run by Batman anymore. Oh, and Batman punches one of his former sidekicks/adopted sons in the mouth to reveal a special tooth implanted there long ago by the villains. Couldn't he have just told the guy about it and taken it out with some Novocaine instead of walloping the dude? Batman, the adoptive father who punches you to prove a point.
2.5 out of 5 stars.

Grifter #7
In this comic a hero named Midnighter acts like a total idiot when he could try just talking to Grifter or taking him back to the Stormwatch base instead of trying to kill him, Grifter touches a weird alien artifact and learns stuff, and the two fight in a poorly illustrated comic. This is what I read, and then I cried many, many bitter tears over the fact that I actually bought this comic and thought at the start it seemed remotely interesting. Will it improve somehow? Well, let's see who the next writer for it is and....Rob Liefeld? Oh FUCK, I've got to drop this from my pull-list ASAP!
1 out of 5 stars.

Spaceman #5
The thing about Brian Azzarello and Eduardo Risso is that they have worked closely together for so long they could be one person, and this one person makes damn good comics. When you hear about a comic focused on a genetically-altered "man" that riffs on how people use funny internet slang, reality television, global warming, and throws in some space-stuff you hear about something which sounds like an utter mess. This duo/essentially-one-person however can have so damn much skill this comic comes out hotter than a biscuit you left in the oven and burnt so badly your spouse yells at you and threatens to leave forever, but then again doesn't he/she always pull that shit when you forget their birthday? I'm getting distracted though, this comic is great stuff, should be read by all, and treasured for being unique in this landscape where you're considered clever for writing something where Cyclops and Captain America punch each other.
4.5 out of 5 stars

DCU Online Legends #26
The last issue of a series that became terrible and utterly incomprehensible around the half-way point. I have no idea why I kept reading this even though it made zero sense with its jumping around in time. Maybe it is kind of the same way people like staring at really brutal car crashes where entrails and blood are all over the place--its just so hideous and gruesome you can't look away. Whatever the case, we get a comic where Lex Luthor learns that maybe Superman isn't so bad before he resets the Universe and the entire comic becomes even more of a pointless endeavor than it was. This happy-go-lucky and nice Luthor is annoying as hell, the comic is ugly as sin (as it has been over the whole series) and if you ever want to start a war between two nations have one give the other a collection of all 26 issues of this and force them to read it. Bombs will be flying before the day is through.
.5 out of 5 stars.

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #5
Oh Nick Spencer, you can write as many shitty Marvel comics as you want, because somehow with that exclusivity contract for them you still got to write this series, and it is so good I just can't care that you seem to either write amazing stuff or absolute trash. Your first volume of this series is one of my favorite recent comic collections and this new batch from the re-launched DC Universe that thankfully didn't touch your run is so good too. I just lie in bed at night and rub this comic all over my body, which gets my girlfriend weirded-out, but I don't care because she doesn't understand the love I have for this series. Oh, and this issue, it brings some dangling plot threads home and introduces those trademark last-minutes twists I've so grown to love.

 I know you cry when people mock your other comics on the internet, Nick, but its okay, I still like you. At least as long as you are writing this series, then you either need to up your game on something else or you'll be known as, "That guy who did good stuff awhile ago but now sucks," just like so many other creators (Jeph Loeb, Mark Millar, that guy who draws a huge-breasted witch named Tarot...um, Jim Balent, that's it!).
4.5 out of 5 stars.

Captain Atom #7
I'm just still amazed that J.T. Krul can write a comic that is actually good, and which I'll miss when its cancelled because this thing sells worse than Barbra Walters recent sex tape. Yes, Barbra Walters has a sex tape. I bought the only copy by accident and it's nightmarish.
3.5 out of 5 stars.

Someday I'll have nothing snarky to say about the comics I've read. That is the day I am murdered by Mark Millar and he makes it look like J.T. Krul did it because Millar has enough money to buy a small country thanks to all those movie options of his shitty comics.

Horror Movies, Battlefield 3, And The Quirkiest Comic I've Read

Let Us Begin
It's been a bit since I posted, so sorry if you've been patiently waiting. I hope to actually get a few posts up sooner than later however, so if that works out everyone should be happy.

Anyways, today I'm going to talk about some horror movies I watched and re-watched for Halloween (I always watch scary flicks on that holiday) and how one was bad and one continues to be pretty good. After that I'm going to discuss a game I've been enjoying playing called Battlefield 3 (I've been playing the console version, PS3 to be exact). Lastly, I'm going to discuss one of the quirkier comics lately that I've read, Spaceman #1 by the superstar team of Brian Azzarello and Eduardo Risso.

Horror and just Horrible
I watched two horror films for Halloween. I viewed for the first time the ninth movie in the Friday The 13th series which is inexplicably named, "Jason Goes to Hell," and, "A New Nightmare." I'd seen the latter a few times and like it quite a bit for reasons that will be discussed, but, "Jason Goes To Hell," was just an utter mess/train-wreck/abomination of a movie.

The movie starts in a way that is actually kind of promising. The idea is that people have wised up to the fact that maybe it would make sense to quit letting this guy with a huge machete keep killing kids and instead just obliterate him. This leads to an opening where Jason is tricked into being utterly shot up by an FBI task force and then blown into pieces. It's pretty cool actually. Sadly, it all goes horribly downhill from there.

You see, apparently Jason can possess people now and after his heart hypnotizes someone into eating it (you read that right) the new Jason sets off to....well, here's where things get quite strange. You see, Jason apparently had a sister we NEVER, EVER heard of in all the other movies, and this one bounty hunter guy knows all this and how to kill Jason for reasons that are NEVER EVER explained because, hey, movies!

For some reason this guy knows everything to advance the plot of the movie. Why? Who knows?

So Jason has to possess this sibling, her daughter, or the daughter's baby. Because the blood of a relative can something-something. The plot makes zero sense, and almost none of the characters are people worth caring about. The movie also tries to be funny at the worst times when this series has not been one for humor...ugh.

How's the violence and gore though for people who like that? Well, there is some violence and such so you get slashing and whatnot. Plus, there is the required T&A with barely-legal teens having sex before Jason of course butchers them (teens never should have sex in horror movies, ever). There isn't anything that clever in terms of how Jason kills people though, like in one of the Friday's where he makes an RV crash. Now that was boss.

Jason--Doesn't Approve of Premarital Sex.

This was a disappointing movie and I wouldn't recommend watching it at all. Now, A New Nightmare is a whole 'nother story. Why? Well, it's sort of the 7th movie but different too as it takes place in the, "real world," as it were. You see, in this movie Wes Craven appears as himself and The Nightmare on Elm Street movies are just that, movies. The man who played Freddy, Robert Englund, is around too just being a nice guy like he is in actual life. The thing is, they are making a new Nightmare on Elm Street movie and weird things have been happening.

Long story short, Freddy is trying to get into the real world and Heather (who played Nancy in the original movie) is pretty much screwed. Then, cool meta-fiction shenanigans ensue and despite a slightly weak ending a good movie is had even with acting that is a bit over-the-top as is standard in horror flicks. This is a bit more mature and grown-up than other horror films though, having talk of concepts of stories that can think instead of showing lots of boobies. It's a good film.
Jason Goes To Hell: 1 out of 5 stars.
A New Nightmare: 4 out of 5 stars.


Good Fun, Just Ditch The Single-Player Mode--Battlefield 3

Gather round young un's and hear the tale of the Battlefield games. They started out on the PC and were good fun. You played in huge areas against a lot of people shooting and running, flying and driving, it was quite a gas. Well, then to compete with the "Modern Warfare" games that everyone loved they made a version of Battlefield that tacked on a single-player mode.

Boy, was that single-player mode God-awful. I mean, I barely made it through much of it even if the story everyone else made fun of looked a little neat to me. The way the enemies just seemed to always know where you were and shoot expertly was unbelievably annoying, and it was no fun at all. Don't worry though, my little ones, there was still multiplayer, and it was a hoot--even with a caveat.

You see, they put the Battlefield 3 on consoles too, and even though PCs with their fancy equipment could run the best graphics and have up to 64 or such players on a map, the consoles could only have 24--I believe. It was okay though, as the developers were smart and adjusted things for this. Now, before it sounds like this era of Battlefield 3 was all peachy-keen, I have to tell you children of something sad. Something dark and evil, a play-pass.

You see, with a Playstation 3 the idea is you can play online for free, but EA in their infinite wisdom didn't want people who bought Battlefield 3 used or rented it to get to play the multiplayer without coughing up some money, so they created an online pass for 9-ish dollars. Yes, it was a twisted, evil thing that stood in the way of getting to the sweet, sweet multiplayer for those of us who didn't want to spend 60 bucks on the game and just wanted to rent it, but life's a bitch and then you die. Don't tell your mother I swore.

Anyways, as you all can see Battlefield 3 was a genuinely fun time to be had, and the time it was out before the new Modern Warfare was an interesting number of weeks. Perhaps sometime I'll tell you kids about what it was like when Modern Warfare came out and the games ended up facing off in the marketplace--as it were. Sometime, but not tonight, get to bed.
4 out of 5 stars.

A Grounded Astronaut--Spaceman #1

From the team that brought you 100 bullets we get a new nine-issue mini-series with a debut issue that just costs one dollar. It's easily worth a dollar, heck, it'll be worth the 3 when its a full series I'd say. Why? Because this is just one interestingly quirky comic. It's not really funny or silly, but its not quite dark and depressing. It's about an interesting future with a man who was made in lab to go to mars and now collects salvage. His name is Orson and he's a nice fellow.

There's also some other interesting plot stuff going on that should make for a cool story and Risso turns in killer art as always while Azzarello does a good job writing with a unique future-slang that seems to be something like today's web-gibberish if people spoke it aloud. It's all really good stuff and I'll be back for a second helping, no doubt.
4.5 out of 5 stars.

Shut It Down
To end this post, Horror movies can be awful in a good way or just awful, but they can also be pretty good in general too. Battlefield 3 has some multiplayer fun awaiting those who buy it or are willing to cough up the extra scratch, but avoid the single-player for it unless you just want to more disappointed than a Republican trying to find a Presidential candidate they like who is also actually electable (zing!). Lastly, buy and read Spaceman #1 because it's just a dollar and quite delightful.