Rant-Reviews--Everything is Terrible, Even the Good Stuff Part 2---DC Destruction

There are some DC books out there to examine and insult/praise. Oh, and I'm going to discuss a Vertigo book which isn't really DC per-se but their alternative more mature line. It's still the same company though so who gives a rotten apple?

Justice League #7
So we're doing that old comic, "The Authority," about heroes who are kind of bad guys but don't realize it? Nah, not really. We're doing a comic about a world that doesn't trust their heroes? Well, the people seem to love them even if some government suits complain. We're doing a comic about the, "Birth of a Villain," as the title claims? Yeah right, we don't get a hint of that till about the last couple of pages.

What is this then? Basically a comic about a dude named Steve Trevor and what his life is like interacting with the Justice League via Skype or something. Oh, and there is some action with a weird spore-monster. This is really just kind of disjointed and a bit odd though. Still, I'll take that over the pretty-but-pointless mess that was the first six issues of this series. It's like this went from a hot girl you couldn't stand listening to into a somewhat attractive person who is all over the place emotionally but interesting enough that you'll tough it out through her psychotic breaks in which she tries to cut you. Yeah, this comic is a dysfunctional relationship. Take it to Thanksgiving dinner and show it to mom and dad. They won't approve, they never do of the hussies you bring back over the holidays.
3 out of 5 stars.

Batman #7
This isn't amazing like issue #5 which was utterly trippy and much better than any mainstream super-hero comic has the right to be, and it isn't kind of cool like #6 with its surreal bits too. No, this is just one of those, "Everything you think you know about Batman's history is wrong!," comics...which is kind of funny because I thought due to the big DC continuity reboot we're not supposed to know anything about Batman's history for sure anyway. You can't really shock me by going "Boo!" when your company already did the equivalent of kidnapping me, tying me up, putting me a potato bag, and dumping me in a river gasping for air.

 That metaphor is how trying to figure out DC's new continuity feels. It's murky, scratchy, and cold. That's why you can't catch me off guard with all this stuff about a secret group themed off of owls running Gotham--I didn't even know we were supposed to think of it as a place run by Batman anymore. Oh, and Batman punches one of his former sidekicks/adopted sons in the mouth to reveal a special tooth implanted there long ago by the villains. Couldn't he have just told the guy about it and taken it out with some Novocaine instead of walloping the dude? Batman, the adoptive father who punches you to prove a point.
2.5 out of 5 stars.

Grifter #7
In this comic a hero named Midnighter acts like a total idiot when he could try just talking to Grifter or taking him back to the Stormwatch base instead of trying to kill him, Grifter touches a weird alien artifact and learns stuff, and the two fight in a poorly illustrated comic. This is what I read, and then I cried many, many bitter tears over the fact that I actually bought this comic and thought at the start it seemed remotely interesting. Will it improve somehow? Well, let's see who the next writer for it is and....Rob Liefeld? Oh FUCK, I've got to drop this from my pull-list ASAP!
1 out of 5 stars.

Spaceman #5
The thing about Brian Azzarello and Eduardo Risso is that they have worked closely together for so long they could be one person, and this one person makes damn good comics. When you hear about a comic focused on a genetically-altered "man" that riffs on how people use funny internet slang, reality television, global warming, and throws in some space-stuff you hear about something which sounds like an utter mess. This duo/essentially-one-person however can have so damn much skill this comic comes out hotter than a biscuit you left in the oven and burnt so badly your spouse yells at you and threatens to leave forever, but then again doesn't he/she always pull that shit when you forget their birthday? I'm getting distracted though, this comic is great stuff, should be read by all, and treasured for being unique in this landscape where you're considered clever for writing something where Cyclops and Captain America punch each other.
4.5 out of 5 stars

DCU Online Legends #26
The last issue of a series that became terrible and utterly incomprehensible around the half-way point. I have no idea why I kept reading this even though it made zero sense with its jumping around in time. Maybe it is kind of the same way people like staring at really brutal car crashes where entrails and blood are all over the place--its just so hideous and gruesome you can't look away. Whatever the case, we get a comic where Lex Luthor learns that maybe Superman isn't so bad before he resets the Universe and the entire comic becomes even more of a pointless endeavor than it was. This happy-go-lucky and nice Luthor is annoying as hell, the comic is ugly as sin (as it has been over the whole series) and if you ever want to start a war between two nations have one give the other a collection of all 26 issues of this and force them to read it. Bombs will be flying before the day is through.
.5 out of 5 stars.

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #5
Oh Nick Spencer, you can write as many shitty Marvel comics as you want, because somehow with that exclusivity contract for them you still got to write this series, and it is so good I just can't care that you seem to either write amazing stuff or absolute trash. Your first volume of this series is one of my favorite recent comic collections and this new batch from the re-launched DC Universe that thankfully didn't touch your run is so good too. I just lie in bed at night and rub this comic all over my body, which gets my girlfriend weirded-out, but I don't care because she doesn't understand the love I have for this series. Oh, and this issue, it brings some dangling plot threads home and introduces those trademark last-minutes twists I've so grown to love.

 I know you cry when people mock your other comics on the internet, Nick, but its okay, I still like you. At least as long as you are writing this series, then you either need to up your game on something else or you'll be known as, "That guy who did good stuff awhile ago but now sucks," just like so many other creators (Jeph Loeb, Mark Millar, that guy who draws a huge-breasted witch named Tarot...um, Jim Balent, that's it!).
4.5 out of 5 stars.

Captain Atom #7
I'm just still amazed that J.T. Krul can write a comic that is actually good, and which I'll miss when its cancelled because this thing sells worse than Barbra Walters recent sex tape. Yes, Barbra Walters has a sex tape. I bought the only copy by accident and it's nightmarish.
3.5 out of 5 stars.

Someday I'll have nothing snarky to say about the comics I've read. That is the day I am murdered by Mark Millar and he makes it look like J.T. Krul did it because Millar has enough money to buy a small country thanks to all those movie options of his shitty comics.

Announcement: I Have A Column On A Website!

I have a column on a website about geek culture! The column is titled, "The Comic Drawer,' and it is located at Forcesofgeek.com! This week's post is about T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents Volume 1 and why I like it.

Rant-Reviews--4 of the few-ish Marvel books I read and T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents

Your Comics Suck, But I Read Them
I said I'd get to posting, and now its time for some rant-reviews. I know I tag any post with a review with rant-reviews, but these that are just nothing but reviews are special--they are really sarcastic and silly. Let's proceed?

Magneto: Not A Hero #1 
The second issue of this comes out tomorrow, and I would have been more excited after the big reveal at the end of the first issue, were it not for the fact that Marvel spoiled that surprise in the solicitation for the third issue of this series! I mean really, what the fuck? Marvel pulled the same move I did when I came out of a screening of the movie Contagion and the theater I was at only has one actual theater because its kind of a bar and lounge with one screen. Therefore, a line forms for the next showing as tickets go fast because people like to see movies at the bar and lounge theater.

So, I leave Contagion and tell everyone, "It was a pig, it was a motherfucking pig all along, but they find a cure!" and 5 minutes later security is ushering me out of the building--not because I was being thrown out, but because I had to be protected from the violent crowd that just had a plot point of the movie ruined for them. You see, people still went and saw the movie, and enjoyed it, but had an important thing spoiled for them by a asshole (me/Marvel) which kind of tempered some of the shock. It was still a cool comic though, and I'm sure they felt the same about Contagion. I wouldn't know, the theater banned me. By the way, that story is more true and less of a joke than I'd care to admit.
3.5 out of 5 stars.



Secret Avengers #19
Warren Ellis continues to show that even though he insults superhero comics, he can write damn good ones, and also has been proving that you can do done-in-one-issue stories. You hear that, Uncanny X-Force? With your 9-parts and more, "Dark Angel" saga that while good has been going forever? You can tell a quality tale within just a single issue of a comic, and have it actually be satisfying! Plus my favorite, Moon Knight is in this and I love him to an unhealthy degree for someone to love a fictional character. I mean goddamn, this was just spectacular and looked pretty darn good too. I actually don't mind the $3.99 this cost, which is equal to Marvel kicking me really hard in the junk and laughing about it. Yeah, there's a reason I've switched to a mostly DC, but if Marvel actually consistently had stuff like this and made it easy to find instead of part of a market flooded with 50 other Avengers books maybe the world would be a better place. You know, the kind of place where Republican Presidential debates aren't more painful to sit through than a dental appointment to with teeth drilled without any Novocaine.
5 out of 5 stars.

Red Skull: Incarnate #5
We all know this guy--the young Johann--is gonna become one of the worst Nazis ever--The Red Skull--and if I've learned anything from movies, its pretty hard if not impossible to make Nazis seem like sympathetic characters. Therefore, writer Greg Pak had his work cut out for him in the process of making this sort-of-contrast to his other comic series, "Magneto: Testament." I guess I should give Pak credit in that early on our "hero" (said with much sarcasm) seems decent enough and slowly gets worse and worse. Still, its a comic about a Nazi, and these days that's about as easy to find as pictures of Lindsay Lohan's hoo-ha now that she is down on her luck and posed for Playboy.

Seriously, did you see those pictures? I heard they had to Photoshop the hell out of them to make her look decent and I just felt weird looking at the images as I still think of her as that kid from the remake of , "The Parent Trap," who had all that potential and flushed it down the toilet to become what she is today--a dime-a-dozen wreck. You know what the problem is with dime-a-dozen wrecks? No matter how interesting they were at first they are still just wrecks now and there are a ton of those. This is a comic about a Nazi, and no matter how interesting Pak makes him in the end there are still all those Nazi comics too. I just compared Lindsay Lohan to comics about Nazis. I am a mad scientist.
3 out of 5 stars (because the effort is there).

Wolverine And The X-Men #2
If you are a fan of Iceman--like, you get a boner anytime you see him appear in comics--then this issue must have made you just jizz/cream all over yourself uncontrollably. I mean seriously, every few years comics talk about how Iceman has all this potential he just has to tap into, and this is one of those issues where he does it and you fans out there have multiple orgasms to it because its so extreme and crazy. Plus those of you who have Iceman-Kitty Pyrde fan-fiction can quit finger-banging/jerking to your imagination as Marvel has made a dream come true with him totally sticking that icy tongue down her throat. Also, this issue has Frankenstein monsters, plural. And it is drawn by Bachalo. How can a person not love this? When writer Jason Aaron has his A-game going quality shit like this just seeps out of his pores. Sadly, sometimes we get miserable junk, but right now everyone should be pleased, or coming if they are Iceman fans. Wow, this review was really lewd.
4.5 out of 5 stars.



T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1
When DC did the big re-launch I was worried I would lose this book. Hell, when Nick Spencer went to work exclusively for Marvel we should have lost this book. However, despite the world itself trying to kill this great series it continues to come out and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy (and that's not the booze). Seriously, Spencer has had a tough time at Marvel I would say. Iron Man 2.0 was cancelled, his gig on Secret Avengers got terrible reviews, the Doctor Doom mini-series was strangled in the crib--never coming out with even the first issue, and every single day Marvel's Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso has to be given a sponge bath, and Spencer was the poor guy who got task while Bendis meanwhile gets to play videogames with Breevort (I'm making that last thing up, maybe). Really, Spencer has been having it rough. That's why I'm happy he shines on this book.

The first six issue of the last T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents were amazing. The last four were pretty good but lacked some of the sheer awesomeness. This is somewhere in between and I don't mind that at all. I really enjoyed this. I hope this book keeps going past this mini-series with Spencer on-board somehow, and I hope Spencer has a better 2012 at Marvel than 2011. I mean seriously, if Axel is bathed everyday how does he get so dirty?
4.5 out of 5 stars.

Rant Reviews--Gotham Gates, Agents with T.H.U.N.D.E.R., Suicide Girls, Superman Takes Action, and a Black Panther.

Today we look at Batman: Gates of Gotham #2, T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #8, Suicide Girls #3, Action Comics #902, and Black Panther: The Man Without Fear #520. Talk about jumping around thematically.

There WILL Be More T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents After The DC Re-Launch (Thank God)!

Yah!

At some event or another, it was mentioned by DC that there will be indeed be a return of the T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents comic this October during the whole "nu-DC" re-launch/supposedly-not-a-reboot. This has made me happy, assuming Nick Spencer will still be writing it--which I hope he is. Oh, and Batman Odyssey will be back, but that is just an utter mess so who really cares except people who like watching car-crashes?

June 2011 Previews--What Looks Especially Good

Time to discuss what is looking particularly snazzy or noteworthy for some reason in this month's Previews.

Rant-Reviews--Four DC Comics With Three Good and One Being Surprisingly Terrible

It's an all-DC extravaganza, with T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #7 doing an great job telling two stories that unite, Detective Comics #877 working quite well, DC Universe Online Legends impressing, and Action Comics #901 doing the quickest dive in quality from a previous issue that I have ever seen. Well, they can't all be winners.

A Great Series Just Getting Better--T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #6

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #6
I know I just reviewed something by Nick Spencer (the Jimmy Olsen book), but why not cover another great work by him? This series has packed in more plot twists and crazy concepts than I've known what to do with since it started. It's also had a lot of guest artists for various flashbacks, making this issue set all in the present kind of unique. Oh, and it is pretty great stuff.

Rant-Reviews--Great, Good, and Mediocre

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, Invincible Iron Man, and Dark Knight--3 comics, going from excellent to purely average.

A Few Notes on The Blog's Status and News-Bits.

 I have been pleased to see my blog viewership steadily increase over time since it first started with all of 3 or 4 views a day in December--and those views were mainly people I knew who I told to check out my blog. I've also gotten the hand of how to do photos and videos and other tricks to a point where my old posts look plain amateurish. I won't be changing them though because I feel I shouldn't change history or whatever.

It is going to be more difficult for me to post starting this Friday and for a week until next Friday due to my laptop being unavailable for various reasons. I hope to get stuff up but it may be a bit lighter than usual. Unless of course I can crank out a ton of posts before I stop being able to use my laptop for a week (it really needs another upgrade/I need a new PC but that is out of the question since getting the iPad) and have to use the somewhat difficult blogging app on the iPad or public computers (God bless libraries).

Alright, now some news:

• I've been pretty vocal about how I think The Comics Journal website is pretty terrible and how once they stopped Journalista I stopped going at all. Therefore, imagine my surprise when upon hearing of the new site design and checking it out I actually found the thing...visually pleasing. It's well organized, has a good picture-to-text ratio and otherwise is the complete opposite of what it was upon initially launching. Hopefully the articles and content equal the new great design. I'll actually be going to the website again now. Check it out here for yourself.
• Thank you, Nancy Gibbs, for pointing out that by defunding Planned Parenthood or Title X you will actually increase the amount of unwanted pregnancies and abortions. Whether for or against abortion, I think we can agree an entity which has 97% of its services go towards cancer screening, regular check-ups, and more is not some evil monster because 3% of what it does may relate to abortion. Actually, some people may disagree with even that, which is their right. But do you really want to rob the millions of people helped by that 97% of services just to make a point about the 3%?
• A great article on Wildcats 3.0, of which I have both books now--so I eventually should get around to turning in a review of each.
• In another idiotic move, Ultimate Spider-Man #160 (where I assume he dies) will be released already in a ploy-bag. In other words, by merely opening the bag and reading the comic you have supposedly destroyed its value. People, comics are for reading, not putting in a bag or between two slabs of plastic with a CGC rating of 9.0 or some stupid bullshit (sorry for the swearing, but it bugs me).
• Writer Nick Spencer (of a bunch of stuff but espeically the great T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents) has signed an exclusive deal to write only for Marvel. Don't panic though, as part of the deal he gets to keep writing what may be my favorite DC book at the moment that isn't written by Grant Morrison.
• Angry Birds is coming to Facebook. I heard the game was addicting so I avoided it, but after downloading a free version for my new iPad I am hooked. This will just make people waste even more time on Facebook now that they have essentially combined two potent drugs into one. Like one of those weird PCP-Cannabis things I heard about at a conference on drugs. That was an interesting conference I attended for my work/volunteer job.

Looking Over This Week's Comic-Book Haul

It's Friday, so let's review all of the comics I've bought/borrowed for the week two days after they actually came out--with reviews for a few of the titles possibly coming not too long after. Make a comment if you want me to review one especially soon (although there is some stuff that is a bit older I need to get my thoughts put up for too). After all, I do this blog for you, the reader...and so that I don't bore the people in my everyday life with my thoughts about stuff they have no interest in.

Rant-Reviews--Bored, Dying, Devilish, and Hyper-Violent Heroes.

Reviews of Halcyon, T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, Superior, and because he pops up everywhere, Wolverine.

I'm happy, my comic haul was good this week.

Just thought I'd share how I'm pleased with the comic items I got this week. Why was it a good pull? Let's list what gets me excited of what I got and how it looks promising, with some possible reviews to come from a few of these...

This comic surprised me: T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1.

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1
I was at the local comic book store and the Frank Quitely cover here caught my eye. Having remembered reading positive things about the comic I figured I'd purchase it. And then the surprise came...