Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Rant-Reviews--4 of the few-ish Marvel books I read and T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents

Your Comics Suck, But I Read Them
I said I'd get to posting, and now its time for some rant-reviews. I know I tag any post with a review with rant-reviews, but these that are just nothing but reviews are special--they are really sarcastic and silly. Let's proceed?

Magneto: Not A Hero #1 
The second issue of this comes out tomorrow, and I would have been more excited after the big reveal at the end of the first issue, were it not for the fact that Marvel spoiled that surprise in the solicitation for the third issue of this series! I mean really, what the fuck? Marvel pulled the same move I did when I came out of a screening of the movie Contagion and the theater I was at only has one actual theater because its kind of a bar and lounge with one screen. Therefore, a line forms for the next showing as tickets go fast because people like to see movies at the bar and lounge theater.

So, I leave Contagion and tell everyone, "It was a pig, it was a motherfucking pig all along, but they find a cure!" and 5 minutes later security is ushering me out of the building--not because I was being thrown out, but because I had to be protected from the violent crowd that just had a plot point of the movie ruined for them. You see, people still went and saw the movie, and enjoyed it, but had an important thing spoiled for them by a asshole (me/Marvel) which kind of tempered some of the shock. It was still a cool comic though, and I'm sure they felt the same about Contagion. I wouldn't know, the theater banned me. By the way, that story is more true and less of a joke than I'd care to admit.
3.5 out of 5 stars.

Secret Avengers #19
Warren Ellis continues to show that even though he insults superhero comics, he can write damn good ones, and also has been proving that you can do done-in-one-issue stories. You hear that, Uncanny X-Force? With your 9-parts and more, "Dark Angel" saga that while good has been going forever? You can tell a quality tale within just a single issue of a comic, and have it actually be satisfying! Plus my favorite, Moon Knight is in this and I love him to an unhealthy degree for someone to love a fictional character. I mean goddamn, this was just spectacular and looked pretty darn good too. I actually don't mind the $3.99 this cost, which is equal to Marvel kicking me really hard in the junk and laughing about it. Yeah, there's a reason I've switched to a mostly DC, but if Marvel actually consistently had stuff like this and made it easy to find instead of part of a market flooded with 50 other Avengers books maybe the world would be a better place. You know, the kind of place where Republican Presidential debates aren't more painful to sit through than a dental appointment to with teeth drilled without any Novocaine.
5 out of 5 stars.

Red Skull: Incarnate #5
We all know this guy--the young Johann--is gonna become one of the worst Nazis ever--The Red Skull--and if I've learned anything from movies, its pretty hard if not impossible to make Nazis seem like sympathetic characters. Therefore, writer Greg Pak had his work cut out for him in the process of making this sort-of-contrast to his other comic series, "Magneto: Testament." I guess I should give Pak credit in that early on our "hero" (said with much sarcasm) seems decent enough and slowly gets worse and worse. Still, its a comic about a Nazi, and these days that's about as easy to find as pictures of Lindsay Lohan's hoo-ha now that she is down on her luck and posed for Playboy.

Seriously, did you see those pictures? I heard they had to Photoshop the hell out of them to make her look decent and I just felt weird looking at the images as I still think of her as that kid from the remake of , "The Parent Trap," who had all that potential and flushed it down the toilet to become what she is today--a dime-a-dozen wreck. You know what the problem is with dime-a-dozen wrecks? No matter how interesting they were at first they are still just wrecks now and there are a ton of those. This is a comic about a Nazi, and no matter how interesting Pak makes him in the end there are still all those Nazi comics too. I just compared Lindsay Lohan to comics about Nazis. I am a mad scientist.
3 out of 5 stars (because the effort is there).

Wolverine And The X-Men #2
If you are a fan of Iceman--like, you get a boner anytime you see him appear in comics--then this issue must have made you just jizz/cream all over yourself uncontrollably. I mean seriously, every few years comics talk about how Iceman has all this potential he just has to tap into, and this is one of those issues where he does it and you fans out there have multiple orgasms to it because its so extreme and crazy. Plus those of you who have Iceman-Kitty Pyrde fan-fiction can quit finger-banging/jerking to your imagination as Marvel has made a dream come true with him totally sticking that icy tongue down her throat. Also, this issue has Frankenstein monsters, plural. And it is drawn by Bachalo. How can a person not love this? When writer Jason Aaron has his A-game going quality shit like this just seeps out of his pores. Sadly, sometimes we get miserable junk, but right now everyone should be pleased, or coming if they are Iceman fans. Wow, this review was really lewd.
4.5 out of 5 stars.

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1
When DC did the big re-launch I was worried I would lose this book. Hell, when Nick Spencer went to work exclusively for Marvel we should have lost this book. However, despite the world itself trying to kill this great series it continues to come out and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy (and that's not the booze). Seriously, Spencer has had a tough time at Marvel I would say. Iron Man 2.0 was cancelled, his gig on Secret Avengers got terrible reviews, the Doctor Doom mini-series was strangled in the crib--never coming out with even the first issue, and every single day Marvel's Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso has to be given a sponge bath, and Spencer was the poor guy who got task while Bendis meanwhile gets to play videogames with Breevort (I'm making that last thing up, maybe). Really, Spencer has been having it rough. That's why I'm happy he shines on this book.

The first six issue of the last T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents were amazing. The last four were pretty good but lacked some of the sheer awesomeness. This is somewhere in between and I don't mind that at all. I really enjoyed this. I hope this book keeps going past this mini-series with Spencer on-board somehow, and I hope Spencer has a better 2012 at Marvel than 2011. I mean seriously, if Axel is bathed everyday how does he get so dirty?
4.5 out of 5 stars.

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