Friday, December 15, 2023

Mixed Feelings Part Trois

Today is December 15th, 2023. On this day in 2019, we lost our second pregnancy and child, Shalom. I wrote about everything that had happened on the 22nd of that year. From 2019 on, the day of December 15th has given me mixed feelings, as I discussed in posts during 2021 and then 2022. The mixed feelings spring from being happy that the 15th is also my Mother's birthday and yet still sad as this is the day two years ago my Bubbie was buried. I miss our child we could not have, but now in 2023, we have a rainbow baby named Gibson

We have two children with us on this Earth but have three in our hearts. I feel so much happiness watching our eldest, Clarkson, keep growing and progressing. I feel joy that Gibson is here with us too and that he and Clarkson already seem to love each other (Clarkson will give him kisses on the head and Gibson looks at Clarkson and often giggles and smiles at his jumps and such). I do feel sadness knowing Shalom could not be here and I feel sorrow that my Bubbie could not meet Gibson--or any of my beloved relatives who have passed. There is a lot to think about.

I previously remarked how December 2019-December 2020 was the worst year ever for me, and then December 2020-2021 was about rebuilding and refocusing. December 2021-2022 was about aiming for, "...something that isn't necessarily a sense of recovery, but feeling like I and other loved ones are finally in a better place about the past, present, and hoping for a brighter future." I think December 2022 through now arriving at December 2023 has been an example of us working toward being in a happy and stable place. My goal now for 2024 is for us to truly thrive as a family. I am thinking of the past and the future in this present. Things were hard back then but seem to be moving in a positive direction now. I love my wife and children--the two here and the one we lost. I will continue to do my best as a Husband and Father for them all. 

I closed my first, "Mixed feelings," post with, "...I don’t know how much I believe in a God but I really hope God believes in me. Somebody’s got to." I think now realize regardless of any deity or force, the most important person who needs to believe in me is, in fact, me. I'm not sure I have absolute full confidence in myself, but I'm definitely getting there more and more every day.

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