Sunday, June 16, 2019

(100% Not Serious) Father's Day Advice

Happy Father's Day!
Today is Father's Day. I have loved writing about my son, Clarkson, and have made serious posts discussing being a Dad as well as just generally enjoying talking about my awesome baby boy (although now he's officially toddler-age). That said, to commemorate this Father's Day I thought I would share some tips that actually are terrible and you should not under any circumstances follow or take seriously. With that said...

Awful Advice For Dads
Make sure to give your baby at least 1 cigar a day to smoke, but no more than 3.

By age 2 it is reasonable to expect your child is capable of operating heavy machinery without supervision. Don't hesitate to let them use a forklift, welding equipment, etc.

If your baby poops in their diaper while in public, help them feel less self-conscious about it by letting-loose into your bitches as well.

Don't let your child play really violent video-games alone. Play with them so you can beat the hard challenges with less trouble.

To help foster responsibility in your child, get them a pet. Don't make it a boring pet like a cat or dog though. Get something interesting like a Komodo Dragon or Polar Bear. They'll not only learn the importance of keeping their pet fed, they'll be skilled at avoiding being bitten/mauled.

If your child starts throwing a fit in the store over a toy don't let them get away with making a scene. Show them you're the professional fit-thrower and proceed to kick and scream on the ground even louder than them.

Only let your baby drink clear liquor until age 5, stuff like whiskey will keep them up at night. Red wine is okay though.

Never hesitate to bring your baby to a movie--no matter the rating or how often they fuss. Everyone around you will 100% completely understand if they start screaming for snacks in the middle of a dramatic moment.

Teach your child proper manners. For example, if they're at a restaurant and the food is taking awhile it is always good form to begin banging your utensils on the table while loudly exclaiming, "I want num-nums!"

Let your child know you will always love them, no matter what--this one is actually a piece of good advice to end an otherwise silly post. Happy Father's Day, everyone!

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