Sunday, August 7, 2011

Rant Reviews--Failing At Seducing You By Cape Comics

Girl, I'm going to seduce you. I'll kick things off with a review of the good Flashpoint #4 before discussing the even better Flashpoint: Batman, Knight of Vengeance #3. Then I'll get your engine really humming with my thoughts on Marvel Universe VS Wolverine #2. Then we're gonna drink a bit, with my man Tony Stark. That's right, we've got a drunk Iron Man in Invincible Iron Man #506. What else have I got planned? Well I know you like a little bit of pain, so I brought Batman: The Dark Knight #4, which is so bad it hurts, but I know you like that, girl. Don't worry though, I'll make you feel real good with Detective Comics #880, the penultimate issue of the series before the big upcoming relaunch, yeah, its the issue right before the climax. Let's get started, girl, because I know the anticipation is driving you crazy.
Flashpoint #4
Tell me, does a sexy lady like you enjoy it when a comic jumps all around scene-wise? Yeah? Good, because seeing as this is Flashpoint you know we're going to do a lot of that. We also get a lot of exposition, but I figure by this point you know that too. It's a good issue though, we hit all the emotional beats, and I know you  don't want this to just be physical, girl, you want us to have that emotional attachment too. The art continues to be good and Geoff Johns should take us into a solid final issue leading up to the big re-launch this August 31st and September.
3.5 out of 5 stars.

Flashpoint: Batman, Knight of Vengeance #3
I like you because you're a grown woman, so you can understand that this series has been incredibly dark and twisted. The thing is, Azzarello and Risso work so well as writer and artist you don't care how twisted this issue is. It flashes back to explain just how Martha Wayne became the Joker and Thomas Wayne became Batman and directly ties in to Flashpoint this final issue with discussion of how the past could be changed to make a better future, but even that future isn't the best. I know you and me are gonna have a great future though, girl, one much happier than the ending of this comic. Again though, it was damn good, probably a better series than Flashpoint itself, even.
4.5 out of 5 stars.

Marvel Universe VS Wolverine #2
You know I'm virus-free, right? Good, because this comic is all about a virus turning people into flesh-eating monsters. No, honey, it isn't Marvel Zombies, its better than that now played-out concept. It also directly links up more this issue with the original mini-series this is a psuedo-prequel to, Marvel Universe VS The Punisher. Writer Jonathan MaBerry builds a suitably dark and twisted world even if the ending to this issue doesn't pack as much punch as the last. I'm intrigued to see where things go, just like I know we're going places, girl.
3.5 out of 5 stars.

Invincible Iron Man #506
I hope you're cool with it, my sexy lady, but I invited Tony Stark over. You see, during all this "Fear Itself" nonsense he's fallen off the wagon. That's right, he's drinking again. He's also hanging out with mythical dwarves who swear in funny rune-speak and working at building weapons. I'll be honest with you, girl. This comic wasn't that great during the scenes with Stark, but the bits with his team had some of that original magic Matt Fraction brought to the series back earlier on when I cared about the supporting characters. Salvador Larroca also draws pretty well, even if faces look a bit funny. I don't think you look funny though, girl, you're beautiful. This comic though, its mediocre.
2.5 out of 5 stars.

Batman: The Dark Knight #4
Girl, I want to hear you say, "ouch". Yeah, this comic is bad. It hurts, I know. David Finch doesn't even illustrate the comic he was specifically given to draw, defeating the purpose. I now that's weird, but I want to get a little weird with you. You don't like the lame demon-stuff and Jim Gordon losing his commissioner position in this issue even though no other comic is reflecting this and he'll probably get it back as soon as next issue? Girl, you may not like this, but its worth trying, let's give it a shot. Some of the plots make zero sense and don't seem to relate to anything in the main plot and even if some do it's pretty weak? Sweetie, we're trying this out know what, you're right. This comic just sucks, and some stuff is worth trying but this just is too non-pleasurable or painful to even be enjoyable in a, "it hurts so good" way. I'm sorry, girl, I wanted to be a little kinky but clearly it backfired, this just was miserable, and now doesn't even have Finch's art to salvage it some, it just has some decent art. You know what, girl, it is the second comic ever to get a half a star. The other was a miserable Deadpool What-If. That's quite a feat. I wonder if anything will ever get zero stars. We will see.
.5 out of 5 stars.

Detective Comics #880
Sorry for that last comic, my sweetheart, I've got something also with Batman much better to make it up to you. Yeah, this has Scott Snyder and Jock doing their crazy-good thing. They bring in the Joker fighting our Dick Grayson Batman, pointing out he wants the "real" Batman and not an ex-Robin fighting him--which he won't have to worry about much longer due to the re-launch. There's also the whole plot with Jim Gordon's son being a crazy maniac and posing a danger to everyone. Yeah, girl, this is a good-looking and great-written comic that's got me excited for what comes next month in the series finale before the re-launch come next month. I won't be getting the re-launched Detective Comics though. Why, you ask? Tony Daniel is writing it and his Batman has been pretty subpar with his penmanship. You're great though, girl, like this comic.
4 out of 5 stars.

Did you like those comics, my sexy sweetheart? I figure by now you'll be naked. Wait, why are you gathering your things? No, that door leads out of the bedroom. Where are you going? No, wait, that leads out of my apartment into the hall, why are you....annnnnd she's gone.

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