Saturday, April 7, 2012

Rant-Reviews--Everything is Terrible, Even the Good Stuff Part 1--Marvel Mocking

I have a wide range of comics from a variety of publishers to insult regardless of if I liked them or not. Let's get to it with the first part focused on Marvel...and an Image comic with a bit of a Marvel style (for better and worse).

The Twelve #11
The heroes from the past who traveled to the future (which due to delays is now actually set in our past) fight one of their own who is mad because it is revealed he is an android without a penis! Yes, this is what we waited an extra long time for, because J Michael Straczynski got distracted going over to DC so he could suck on their money-tit and start writing comics he then got tired of and quit doing--e.g. Superman, Wonder Woman, a creepy snuff comic my friend Trent told me he heard JMS does in his spare time, etc.

Seriously though, why did I get so excited about this for it be revealed to mainly be a comic about heroes form the past fighting a dickless android also from the past? Is JMS trying to tell us something deep about how mainstream comics have in a way castrated themselves with a fear of sex and maturity? Nah, no one who sniffs as much glue as he does can't get that deep anymore. The saving grace of this book is the art by Chris Weston, it makes this bearable with its beauty.
2 out of 5 stars.

X-Men Legacy #264
The issue in which Marvel comics realized, "Oh shit, we have some characters sitting around from that inexplicably great Dark X-Men series we did," and decided to start milking them for all they were worth by shoving them into one of the countless ancillary X-Men comics besides the only two you need to give a damn about (Wolverine and The X-Men and Uncanny X-Men).

The sad thing is that Christos Gage is a pretty good writer, and makes a lame character known as Weapon Omega (or something) and a slightly interesting character known as Mimic seem more intriguing than they probably have been in forever. Still, when the main plot is, "This man has become a bomb, oh noes we may die unless we save him!" my recommendation is to just toss the guy into a deep pit and let him detonate harmlessly, especially if the bomb-man himself asks you too--as actually occurs in this comic! No, for saying they should let him die because he is an extreme danger he gets slapped by X-Man Rogue and told by her and her thick southern accent he's being a pussy or something. Comics, where deciding to put a ton of people in danger for one man who would rather keep them safe makes you a hero!
2.5 out of 5 stars.

Bloodstrike #26
This is a comic from Image, but I'm counting it as if it were Marvel for several convoluted reasons. First off, the idea of this character comes from Rob Liefeld, who did work for Marvel before realizing he could make a lot more sweet, sweet green at Image (which he helped found) where he owns the copyright to his absurdly-named creations. Second, the plot reminds me of classic Marvel with a hero who is all depressed about being a hero. Third, lots of gore occurs.

The difference between this and other Marvel comics that have had Rob Liefeld, depressed heroes, and gore is that this doesn't automatically suck. Probably because the person writing it is the talented Tim Seely who can inject something interesting into the barest-bone of plots. Also, the fact that this is just building off of Liefeld's ideas and doesn't have him directly involved helps--because that man is apparently a really nice person in real life but lord do I not care for most of his comic work outside of some cool Deadpool drawings and an inexplicable affection for an old Marvel event called, "Heroes Reborn," everyone hated. Maybe the fact everyone hates it is why I like it, sort of like being the only person who is friends with the smelly kid. Yeah, this was surprisingly fun.
3.5 out of 5 stars.

Moon Knight #11
I love the character of Moon Knight for some reason. A re-launch done of the character with Charlie Huston writing it some time ago was masterful before it petered out with another writer taking the helm. Then it was relaunched again and died. Then it was relaunched again with this new series that has Brian Michael Bendis writing it and Alex Maleev illustrating. I used to read a lot of Bendis' stuff when he was good. I love his old series Alias and work on Daredevil. His Avenger's writing has just been so mediocre besides the interesting-but-pointless, "House of M," that I want to stab myself in the eye with a fork, though.

Bendis took the idea of Moon Knight having different personalities and did a twist with making them super-hero personalities instead of his classic ones. I wasn't sure this would work, but after lots of hard work and effort, Bendis has proven to me this definitely doesn't work. Other than some nice Alex Maleev art these 11 issues of the now 12-issue run (yup, cancelled again!) have been all over the place story-wise and I just can't say I've had much fun. After this ends there will be no regular Bendis books I'm reading other than that event comic about Avengers and X-Men having an orgy he is a part of scribbling. Wait, it is about an Avengers and X-Men fight, not an orgy? But AvX sounds so dirty and hot! Oh well, maybe someday I can be proud of Moon Knight once more, and again, nice art.
2 out of 5 stars.

There we go, I have spit so much venom that my mouth is now dry.


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