Mixed Feelings: Five

December 15th in my life's history is a day with a mix of feelings associated with it. It is the day my mother was born some years ago, a wonderful day! It is the day where in 2019 we officially lost our pregnancy and the child who would have been our second baby, Shalom, a traumatic day. It's the day when, in 2021, my Bubbie was buried, having passed some days earlier at the age of 96, a sad day, but bittersweet thanks to all the memories we have with Bubbie and her long life. I've done four of these mixed feelings posts before. A mix of poetry, essay, introspection, and me just sharing how this day brings out a lot of mixed feelings.

I've discussed how December 2019-December 2020 was the worst year ever in my life, between multiple losses of loved ones, the rise of COVID-19 (and its impact on us as well as everyone else), and so forth. Then, I needed time to mentally recover and deal with the grief I had ignored. I quit trying to shut the pain/sadness away and let myself feel it, a healthy choice I finally got to with the support of Samii and getting some therapy. Then, the focus became healing and growing. We had our, "Rainbow baby," Gibson, in 2023. I know how that is a term some love, and some don't care for, but I like it. We went through an emotional storm with our loss, and at the end of the storm comes a beautiful and bright beam of joy. He and Clarkson are such joys--and sometimes real stinkers!

I am by no means, "Over," everything we've been through, as you can't be a human being with normal emotions and magically and totally get over loss completely. I am, however, in a better place now than I was a number of years ago. I can both be happy today to celebrate a birthday and consider this a day of remembrance. I can have a mix/balance of feelings, and that is good; it is healthy and (as I said) human. Hence, here we are on December 15th of 2025, and I am okay. I am okay with the celebratory feelings for the good stuff today. I am okay with sometimes not being okay when I think about the loss we've faced, too. Just as the title always says, it is all about mixed feelings. Acknowledging is key, without a doubt. 

 

Way back when I wrote the first of these in 2021, I closed with how, "Love is scary, love is hard, love leaves us feeling empty sometimes when those we love leave at any age or even before we get to fully enjoy their existence. I’m just trying to make it [in] America. I’m just trying to make it as a good parent and husband. I just want to make myself proud, frankly. To close, I don’t know how much I believe in a God but I really hope God believes in me. Somebody’s got to." At this point I still am not sure how much I believe in a higher power (although I hope one's out there). I do know that now, I can at least say I do believe in myself. I believe in myself as a husband, a father to two awesome kiddos, and as a human being. Life has been hard at times, but I've learned and grown from the hardships and joys. That's saying something, at least.

Mixed Feelings Part Trois

Today is December 15th, 2023. On this day in 2019, we lost our second pregnancy and child, Shalom. I wrote about everything that had happened on the 22nd of that year. From 2019 on, the day of December 15th has given me mixed feelings, as I discussed in posts during 2021 and then 2022. The mixed feelings spring from being happy that the 15th is also my Mother's birthday and yet still sad as this is the day two years ago my Bubbie was buried. I miss our child we could not have, but now in 2023, we have a rainbow baby named Gibson. 

We have two children with us on this Earth but have three in our hearts. I feel so much happiness watching our eldest, Clarkson, keep growing and progressing. I feel joy that Gibson is here with us too and that he and Clarkson already seem to love each other (Clarkson will give him kisses on the head and Gibson looks at Clarkson and often giggles and smiles at his jumps and such). I do feel sadness knowing Shalom could not be here and I feel sorrow that my Bubbie could not meet Gibson--or any of my beloved relatives who have passed. There is a lot to think about.

I previously remarked how December 2019-December 2020 was the worst year ever for me, and then December 2020-2021 was about rebuilding and refocusing. December 2021-2022 was about aiming for, "...something that isn't necessarily a sense of recovery, but feeling like I and other loved ones are finally in a better place about the past, present, and hoping for a brighter future." I think December 2022 through now arriving at December 2023 has been an example of us working toward being in a happy and stable place. My goal now for 2024 is for us to truly thrive as a family. I am thinking of the past and the future in this present. Things were hard back then but seem to be moving in a positive direction now. I love my wife and children--the two here and the one we lost. I will continue to do my best as a Husband and Father for them all. 

I closed my first, "Mixed feelings," post with, "...I don’t know how much I believe in a God but I really hope God believes in me. Somebody’s got to." I think now realize regardless of any deity or force, the most important person who needs to believe in me is, in fact, me. I'm not sure I have absolute full confidence in myself, but I'm definitely getting there more and more every day.

Today Was Gibson's Official Due Date and Would Have Been Kim's Birthday

Gibson being cute.

Today, August 5th, was Gibson's original due date. However, due to health risks, Samii had to have his birth induced and he joined us on July 12th. August 5th was also the birthday of my Mother-in-law, Kim. She passed suddenly in June of 2020 and I wrote about when she would've turned 58. She would have turned 61 today and been able to celebrate her birthday with a new grandson if she still were with us. I am overjoyed to have Gibson but an occasion like this makes me think about how many people were alive to enjoy Clarkson's birth but were gone by the time Gibson arrived. My Bubbie, my Aunt Martha, Sam's Dad Matt, Kim, and more. It all results in mixed feelings, as I've written about before. 

My parents came to visit during the week and got to meet Gibson. I was so happy they could hold him and show him their love, it just also made me think about the people whom I wish could have also loved Gibson now that he's finally here as our beautiful rainbow baby following the loss of our second pregnancy and the child we could not have, Shalom.

Kim and Clarkson when he was a much smaller little guy.

There are so many mixed feelings, but I know above all I am thankful for the love and support from those we have here with us as well as just as much love and support we would've received from those who couldn't be here any longer. Even if Kim has passed I know she would've been so happy to meet Gibson and it would've been a fun birthday for her. It just sucks that couldn't be the reality today.

Mixed Feelings Part Deux

Last year I wrote about how December 15th brings mixed feelings via a post that was itself titled, "Mixed Feelings." I find myself spending today with even more mixed feelings worth sharing...

It is now December 15th of 2022. 

A year ago, today, my Bubbie was buried. 

Three years ago, today, we lost our baby, Shalom Avalon Bitterbaum. 

A number of years ago (but not too many) my mother, Ellen Burton, was born.

I am joyful for my mom's birthday, pleased to have many good friends, and so happy to be a parent to Clarkson with my wonderful wife, Samii.

I face sorrow that can be overwhelming thinking of those we've lost since December of 2019. There was a baby we hoped for but couldn't have. My Father-in-law, Matt. My Mother-in-Law Kim. My wife's Grandfather. My Aunt Martha. My Bubbie. It all kicks off on December 15th of those three years ago. 

December 2019-December 2020 was the worst year ever between lost family and there was also COVID-19 screwing life up, don't forget that.

December 2020-2021 was all about rebuilding and refocusing while hard things happened but we persevered.

December 2021-2022 was about feeling something that isn't necessarily a sense of recovery, but feeling like I and other loved ones are finally in a better place about the past, present, and hoping for a brighter future.

I continue to have mixed feelings every year on this day. All I can do is continue to heal and grow as a person. That's the goal, at least.

Mixed Feelings--A Post/Kind of Poem

I started writing an article that morphed into a sorta-poem utilizing various scribblings and thoughts I’ve noted down before privately. It’s messy but grief is messy so I’ve elected to be open about how I’m feeling today and share it. Here is, “Mixed Feelings.”

Today is the second anniversary of when we lost our baby, Shalom Avalon Bitterbaum. Today is also the birthday of my Mother, Ellen. Plus, today is the day my Bubbie is being buried, but a memorial service won’t come till later that I and my family will attend. A day with so much going on in the present and when you consider the past gives one mixed feelings. I miss our son we couldn’t have. I miss my Bubbie even if she lived a long life. I love my Mother and wish she could have a happy birthday without it sandwiched between metaphorical bread loaves of sadness. 

Then I look out over a World on fire. Our nation especially seems to be refusing to douse its own flames, instead seeking out to only add fuel to its blaze. I can turn my television off to dull the roar of madness in the outside World to a faint growl, but I still just have worries for the future be it large-scale or small and personal. 

I want my Wife and Son to be safe and happy in that big scary world of COVID-19, unrest, and general dangers. I want everyone to be okay. It’s hard they can’t always be that way. My Bubbie was 96 and her mind was sharp, but her body was simply frail and tired. I peer out at a World full of conflict, a World interconnected more than ever yet so divided over even the least controversial facts, I see all this and realize how isolating grief is. We witness others posting sorrow about mass shootings, pandemics, and we struggle to grasp the true enormity of losing someone we love until it happens to us. Be it a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, or a child you didn’t even get to have. 

I smell the cinders of our Country reducing itself to ashes to prove some kind of point and it is all so loud as we scream in the hope the loudest person is proven correct. Then suddenly my mind is somewhere quiet. Back by itself in recollecting so much loss. So many loved ones lost. With every new death or anniversary it’s like you think of them all anytime you think of one. I miss my Mother in law, Kim. I miss my Father in law, Matt. I miss my Aunt Martha. I miss my Bubbie, I miss Shalom and never got to even truly know him, that hurts so much. All that in less than two years, it’s just a lot.

Meanwhile, we just hunker down in our metaphorical and sometimes all-too-real bunkers. Things get worse, then they get better, then they just get messy. I’m sorry my thoughts seem to wander so far and wide here. I’m tackling far too many aspects of grief at once sometimes, processing it all the best I can through written words, meditation, mindfulness, and tackling the sensations of malaise as best one can. I think at least sharing all these thoughts helps me feel better. 

Love is scary, love is hard, love leaves us feeling empty sometimes when those we love leave at any age or even before we get to fully enjoy their existence. I’m just trying to make it America. I’m just trying to make it as a good parent and husband. I just want to make myself proud, frankly. To close, I don’t know how much I believe in a God but I really hope God believes in me. Somebody’s got to.

My Bubbie Has Passed

Evelyn Bitterbaum AKA Bubbie

Evelyn Bitterbaum died yesterday at the age of 96. I called her Bubbie. She was my last living grandparent. Her mind was still very sharp but he body was just tired at nearly a century old. Bubbie was a wonderful woman who had tons of stories, wisdom, and was very funny too. I recall her in some of my earliest memories as a toddler and it was surreal in a way to think she raised my Dad as a baby, saw me as an infant, and then back in 2017 met her great-grandson, Clarkson.

Bubbie and a young David Bitterbaum

Bubbie lived a long and wonderful life, which doesn't make it any easier for her to be gone. It is hard anytime someone we love leaves us. I loved my Bubbie very much. She will be missed.