December 15th in my life's history is a day with a mix of feelings associated with it. It is the day my mother was born some years ago, a wonderful day! It is the day where in 2019 we officially lost our pregnancy and the child who would have been our second baby, Shalom, a traumatic day. It's the day when, in 2021, my Bubbie was buried, having passed some days earlier at the age of 96, a sad day, but bittersweet thanks to all the memories we have with Bubbie and her long life. I've done four of these mixed feelings posts before. A mix of poetry, essay, introspection, and me just sharing how this day brings out a lot of mixed feelings.
I've discussed how December 2019-December 2020 was the worst year ever in my life, between multiple losses of loved ones, the rise of COVID-19 (and its impact on us as well as everyone else), and so forth. Then, I needed time to mentally recover and deal with the grief I had ignored. I quit trying to shut the pain/sadness away and let myself feel it, a healthy choice I finally got to with the support of Samii and getting some therapy. Then, the focus became healing and growing. We had our, "Rainbow baby," Gibson, in 2023. I know how that is a term some love, and some don't care for, but I like it. We went through an emotional storm with our loss, and at the end of the storm comes a beautiful and bright beam of joy. He and Clarkson are such joys--and sometimes real stinkers!
I am by no means, "Over," everything we've been through, as you can't be a human being with normal emotions and magically and totally get over loss completely. I am, however, in a better place now than I was a number of years ago. I can both be happy today to celebrate a birthday and consider this a day of remembrance. I can have a mix/balance of feelings, and that is good; it is healthy and (as I said) human. Hence, here we are on December 15th of 2025, and I am okay. I am okay with the celebratory feelings for the good stuff today. I am okay with sometimes not being okay when I think about the loss we've faced, too. Just as the title always says, it is all about mixed feelings. Acknowledging is key, without a doubt.
Way back when I wrote the first of these in 2021, I closed with how, "Love is scary, love is hard, love leaves us feeling empty sometimes when those we love leave at any age or even before we get to fully enjoy their existence. I’m just trying to make it [in] America. I’m just trying to make it as a good parent and husband. I just want to make myself proud, frankly. To close, I don’t know how much I believe in a God but I really hope God believes in me. Somebody’s got to." At this point I still am not sure how much I believe in a higher power (although I hope one's out there). I do know that now, I can at least say I do believe in myself. I believe in myself as a husband, a father to two awesome kiddos, and as a human being. Life has been hard at times, but I've learned and grown from the hardships and joys. That's saying something, at least.
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