Please Don't Tell the Parents of Someone With Autism You, "Get It," and Proceed to Illustrate Why You Don't

Many people are parents of children and adults with autism. They have heard all kinds of opinions, put up with a variety of odd questions, and been on the receiving end of stares or comments when out and about if their child/adult they care for is making sounds/stimming/etc. I've written here before about dealing with society's misunderstandings of Autism, but it almost infuriates me more when people feign understanding/kindness and proceed to then express immense ignorance. This was on display to me just today, in this very afternoon.

You see, Clarkson loves looking at books in stores. Any store we go to that has a selection of books excites him immensely. As of late, books featuring Pete the Cat or the David character from the, 'No, David!" books are his favorite. When we are at a store such as Half Price Books, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, or Target, he will build a little stack to flip through while sitting in a shopping cart and proceed to examine all his options. By the time we check out, we sometimes will then select one book he especially likes to purchase (if it's a special occasion, something like that) or tell him we're not getting a book today and give the handful of books to the employee at checkout. No store has ever had an employee complain about this, until today. It wasn't even the complaining that irritated me, either! It was how they did it.

Example of a Target book section

You see, we were checking out at the self-checkout at Target as we didn't have much besides some Salsa, chips, and a big ol' stack of books. Clarkson's birthday just occurred so I told him we could buy one book today. I scanned the wrong one, so I hit the, "Help," button to get it deleted. I was greeted by a lady who said how she recognized us from other visitss and asked if we could not always, "Have so many books," that had to be put back, but, "I get it, I really do." Meanwhile, Clarkson was side-eyeing her as she was standing so close, and he didn't like her angry and almost-yelling tone--which resulted in him clapping more and making some sounds.

At this point in the story, I would like to let you all know I took a deep breath, smiled, and apologized for creating extra work while I patted Clarkson's back to let him know everything was okay. I did not give in to the urge to call her a curse word or curse in general. If she had simply been relatively polite about the books, things would have been fine. If she had been rude but also didn't seem aware of Clarkson having autism, I'd understand that to a degree as well, even! However, please don't feign understanding and then make statements contrary to your claim of, "Getting it." She clearly did not, "Get it," and the situation only could have had the awkwardness and slight rage I felt increased if she'd polished off an old chestnut like, "You know, everyone's a little Autistic!" Should that have occurred, I probably would've busted out some choice swears.

People with Autism can make sounds, engage in movements, and have little routines that interrupt everyday life. Clarkson will hyperfixate on timers, on doors or wanting a shower. If he gets insanely focused on taking a quick shower because he loves the water, there is sometimes very little that can be done to delay/dissaude him from getting a shower without a total sensory meltdown/obbsession with getting a shower before he can focus on anything else. That's how it is sometimes, and you tweak certain things like making sure some doors are open or closed and tell him sometimes he needs to wait 5 minutes for a shower so Mommy and Daddy can finish eating a snack and help turn it on for him, but he gets that shower because he clearly needs it in his mind. If you've cared for someone with any disability, you know every person and disability is different. You understand that, and to a degree, you "Get it." This lady...she did not, "Get it," clearly. 

Oh, and if you don't, "Get it," it is okay to ask questions too! Other children Clarkson meets at play places will sometimes ask why he makes various sounds instead of talking and likes to clap. We'll tell those kids how he has Autism and uses a Talker device to communicate. Then Clarkson will play with them on the trampoline or such, and everyone has fun! When you're genuinely curious and are interacting with someone who is open to answering questions, it is okay to ask those questions (sometimes it isn't a good time, however, like in the middle of a sensory meltdown). Faking sympathy/empathy while at the same time complaining about how the actions of a disabled person inconvenienced you doesn't help anyone, however. I'm sorry that my child sometimes makes a little stack of books. I don't want to make extra work for anyone, and apologize for that. I won't apologize for his having a disability and accept your B.S. claim that you, "Really get it," when that's objectively false. So yeah, that was a Friday afternoon.